Rehab Center for Fictional Characters Songtext

von Bo Burnham

Well, hello everyone!
Welcome to the Rehab Center for fictional characters.
Umm, alright.
Lets get right to it
Who wants to start us off?
How about you Chris?

Chris Cringle-

Umm, alright.
Hey, I'm Chris Cringle.
I'm a sex addict.

Hey i'm Santa Clause, i'm the king of snow.
I hate my wife because she is a ho, ho, ho.
She used to please me every day, then she made it clear that santa's only supposed to come once a year.
Fuckin Bitch.
Now I buy whores, rock and roll, and I stuff their stockings with my north pole...

(end)

...Okay Chris, thank you!
Alright, who wants to go next?
Patrick... frowny face!
Get up here.

Patrick O'Riley-

Alright.
I'm Patrick O'Riley, i'm a leperchaun.
You all doin' good?
Yeah, i'm not doing so good.

I had a wonderful life, with a healthy household,
And beatiful wife, and a pot full of gold. Ha.
Then my wife spent my riches all by herself, and since women are bitches, blew a keebler elf.
Uh, now i drink all day and a part of me dies.
Cuz my wife is getting gang-banged by the Rice Krispie guys.
(end)

Tony the Tiger-

Hey I know them!

(end)

Oh, hey Tony.
Nice of you to show up.
Where were you last week?

Tony the Tiger-

I had some, uh... some stuff to take care of.
Hey, i'm Tony the tiger.
Fuck it.
I'll just sing it.
Every day I wake up, and I get to work late.
My boss says, 'hey, whats up?'
I say that i'm grrrrrrrrowing tired of this shit.
The kids they laugh, 'cause i'm a sensitive cat.
'Big pussy!'
I can't argue with that.
If another kid gives me frosted flakes,
I swear on my life... i'll eat his parents.

(end)

Okay Ton, thank you.
So thats everybody.
So lets just get down to it...
Oh, who are you?

Easter Bunny-

Yeah, hi, yeah, hi, Yeah, hi.
I'm the easter bunny, hey i'm back!
Used to be funny now i'm hooked on crack.
Heaps of heroine ain't no joke, marshmellow peeps covered in coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke.
COKE!
Drugs for life, that's my plan, but now I have no attention span...

(end)

Okay, i'm just going to go and get him, alright?
Play nice please. I'll be right back.

Chris Cringle-

Hey pat did you hear? All my elves got sick.
I think they got herpes from some Irish chick.

Patrick O'Riley-

Mother fucker...
What you laughin' Tony, huh?

Tony the Tiger-
'Cause it's funny!

Patrick O'Riley-

This is gettin rediculous.
Santa, Tony could you guys please stop?

Tony the Tiger-

Oh Snap!... crackle and pop.
Haha, cuz they banged your wife.

Patrick O'Riley-

I'm getting out of here.
This is fucking rediculous.