Left Brain, Right Brain Songtext

von Bo Burnham

I'm sorry- Hello, how are-
(How are you feeling?)
Um, not great.
(Has the treatment been working?)
Uh, I don't think so, no.
(What are your remaining symptoms?)
I just, I... I internalize my feelings a lot, I have trouble articulating how I'm feeling to other people, I feel like I jus-
(So basically, you're still a little bitch.)
Yes, very mature of you, disembodied voice, way up there.
(I was just joking, nigga.)
Alright you're not as safe in Wisconsin as you might think with that shit.
(I'm not human I can say whatever I want.)
Alright just, just what, get to the point! What's wrong with me? Please. Please!
(Your emotions and your logic are at war.)
Okay.
(Your creativity and your analysis are at war. And most simply, your left
And right brain are at war.)
My left and my-
(To fix the problem, we must separate them from each other.)
(Splitting your neurological functions in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...)
Well, we book an appointment or something? You don't just start counting down to major medical procedures.
(This may hurt a bit.)
I don't even know what "it" is!
Just tell me what you're-!

(Isolation complete.)
(This is Bo's left brain: objective, logical, cold, analytical.)
(Aware of patterns, aware of trends. He's efficient... and a prick.)
(This is Bo's right brain: subjective, creative, sensory.)
(Aware of feelings, aware of people. He's emotional... and an idiot.)
That's your opinion, just careful with opinions.
(Okay boys... Play nice.)

I am the left brain, I am the left brain
I work really hard 'til my inevitable death brain
You got a job to do, you better do it right, and the right way is with the left brain's might.

I like Oreo's and pussy, yes! In that order!
And I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3, WOODY!
I am the right brain, I have feelings, I'm a little all over the place but I'm lustful, trustful and I'm looking for somebody to love, or put my penis in!

Here comes a female, here comes a female.
Puff your chest out take your phone and check your email.
Our evolutionary purpose is to repopulate,
So gather data now and see if she's a possible mate.

Holy fuck I think she might be the one, there's something about her, I just can't describe it!
Tits.
I am the earth, she's the glorious sun!
I want her to trust me and I just want her to, how do I say this, sit on my face? Sit, sit on my face!

Alright now right brain you're being insane.
No left brain, I'm just being alive.
You should try it, you might like it.

I worked hard to give him everything he cared about
You were worried 'bout the things that he was scared about
I'm calm and collected when you act wild
I am the adult you are the child

You think you're the right one every time
You think you know everything but you don't know anything at all
Half of his problems were supposed to be mine
But you wanted everything I hope that you're happy 'cause he's sure not.

Well according to my calculations, I'm sorry let me run the numbers again, um, you're a pussy.

Name calling? Really? You're gonna just do name calling?

I'm not calling names alright, I'm just stating facts, and the fact is you're a quivering pussy.

I'm the pussy? Well at least I don't play with toys still, okay.

Rubix cubes are not toys, they keep my spatial reasoning skills sharp.

Left brain plays with toys! Look at you, mister... You're a toy player.

Well at least I did my fucking job, alright? I kept him working, I kept him productive!
You were supposed to look after him.
You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this.
Now you're trying to blame me for how he's feeling, how he's feeling!
If he's feeling unhappy it's because you failed him
You did this to him, he hates you I know he does. He fucking hates you!

(Sobbing)

Right brain, look, I'm sorry, okay?

No you're not...

Look, maybe there's something that we could do together.

Together?

Take the best parts of both of us, put them together.

I'm listening.

It would let you let your feelings out, it would let me analyze.
So you could man the themes, I'll man the form.

It's something that George Carlin did, it's something Steve Martin did.
It's something special that we can both perform, do you know what it is?

Juggling! We could juggle, and juggle our cares away!

It was comedy, we could do comedy together...

(Initiate reassembly)

Alright right brain, look we're gonna do comedy together, alright? We gotta do comedy!

Alright, alright left brain I'll do comedy with you.

Look we can fix him like this, we're gonna make him happy again I promise, alright?

Left brain...! Left brain I love you!

I know.

(Experimentation complete.)

Thank you very much.