Interview with Jesus Songtext

von George Carlin

I: Ladies and gentlemen, we are privileged to have with us a man known all over the world as the prince of peace- Jesus Christ. How are you, Jesus?
JC: Fine, thanks and let me say it's great to be back.
I: Can you tell us, after all this time, why you came back?
JC: Mostly nostalgia.
I: Well, could you tell us, Jesus, a little about the first time you were here?
JC: Well, there's not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas.
I: Yes.
JC: And, uh, actually, that always bothered me, because, uh, that way, I only got one present. Y'know, if I was born a couple months earlier, I woulda had two presents. But look, I'm not complainin'; it's only material.
I: Were you really born in a stable?
JC: Nahhh. I was born in a hospital. Bethlehem Jewish Hospital, but the hospital was located in a stable. That's how the story got started.
I: And is it true that there was no room at the inn?
JC: Oh, no. They had room, it's just that we didn't have reservations. My father, Joseph- God bless him. He was a simple man. He didn't travel much. He forgot to make reservations.
I: There's a story that there were three wise men.
JC: Well, there were three kings who showed up. Uh, I don't know how wise they were. They didn't look wise. They said they followed a star. That don't sound wise to me.
I: Didn't they bring gifts?
JC: Yes. Gold, frankincense and I believe myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You wouldn't happen to know what myrrh is for, do you?
I: Well, I believe it's a reddish, brown bitter gum resin.
JC: Oh, great! Great! Just what I need; a gum resin! What am I going to do with a gum resin? I'd rather have the money. That way, I could go out and buy something I need. You know, something I wouldn't normally buy for myself.
I: What would that be?
JC: Oh, I don't know... a bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. A bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. You realize all the walkin' I did? I musta crossed Canaan six, eight times; up and down, north and south. Walkin' and talkin'. Doin' miracles, tellin' stories.
I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?
JC: A total of 107 miracles... not countin' the loaves and the fishes.
I: Why don't you count the loaves and the fishes?
JC: Well, technically, that one wasn't a miracle.
I: It wasn't?!
JC: No, turns out a lotta people were puttin' 'em back. Didn't like 'em. Actually not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.
I: (surprised) Wh, what do you mean? What were they if they weren't miracles?!
JC: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis, we had hallucinations, even acupressure. That was how I cured most of the blind guys- acupressure.
I: So, not all of the New Testament is true.
JC: No. Some of that Gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lotta drugs. See, Luke was a physician and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.
I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?
JC: First of all, he wasn't dead. He was hung over. I told people that.
I: But in the Bible, you said he was dead.
JC: Uh, uh. I said he looked dead. I said, "Hey! He looks dead!" You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper. Plus, the day before, we had been to a wedding feast and he had put away a lotta wine.
I: Ah, was that the Wedding Feast of Cana where you changed the water into wine?
JC: Uh, I don't know. I, uh, we went to an awful lotta wedding feasts in those days.
I: But did you really ever turn water into wine?
JC: Not that I know of. Uh, one time, I did turn apple juice into milk, but I really don't remember the water and wine thing.
I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle- walking on the water. I mean, did that really happen?
JC: Oh, yeah, that was one that really happened. Y'see, the problem was, I could do it; the other guys couldn't do it. They were jealous. Peter got mad at me, so he got these shoes made. Special big shoes that if ya start out walkin' real fast, you can float on the water for awhile. Then of course, after a few yards, la la la looms, he goes right down into the water; he sinks like a rock. That's why I call him Peter. "Thou art Peter and upon this rock, I shall build my Church."
I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. Uh, what can you tell us about the Apostles?
JC: Well, they were a good bunch of guys, you know. They smelled a little like bait, but oh, they was a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of 'em we had.
I: Thirteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.
JC: Well that was according to St. Luke and I told ya about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen apostles. We had Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James... that's a different James, Thaddeus... lessee, how many is that?
I: That's ten.
JC: Okay, uh, Simon, Judas and Red.
I: Red?
JC: Yeah. We call him 'Red the Apostle.'
I: Red the Apostle?
JC: Uh-hmm.
I: He doesn't appear in the Bible.
JC: Nahh. He kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the miracles. He was a little strange. He thought the Red Sea was named after him.
I: What about Judas.
JC: Hey. Don't get me started on Judas...
I: Kay. Well, what about the other apostles. Uh, say for instance, Thomas. Was he really a doubter?
JC: This guy, Thomas, you couldn't tell him nothin', you know? He was always askin' me for my ID. Soon as I see him- "Got any ID?" To this day, he doesn't believe I'm God.
I: Are you God?
JC: Well, partly. You know that. I'm a member of the Trinity.
I: Yes, in fact you've written a book about the Trinity, haven't you.
JC: That's right. It's called, "Three's a Crowd."
I: "Three's a Crowd."
JC: Um-hmm.
I: As I understand it, it's nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.
JC: Listen, it's not an attack. You wanna know what it is? I don't get along with the Holy Ghost, all right? So I leave him alone. That's it. What he does is his business.
I: Well, why? What's the reason?
JC: Well, first of all, ya never know who he's gonna be. Every day he shows up, he's somethin' different. One day he comes in the meetin', he's a dove, another day he's a tongue of fire, always foolin' around. (annoyed) Listen, I don't bother with the guy. I don't wanna know about him. I don't see him. I don't talk to him.
I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called Hell?
JC: Oh, yeahhh, there's a Hell, sure. There's also a Heck. It's not as severe, but we got Heck and Hell.
I: What about Purgatory?
JC: No. Don't know nothin' about no Purgatory. We got Heaven, Hell, Heck and Limbo.
I: What is Limbo like?
JC: I don't know. No one's allowed in there. If anyone was in there, it wouldn't be Limbo. Then it would be a place.
I: Getting back to your previous visit, Jesus, what can you tell us about The Last Supper?
JC: Well, first of all, if I had known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never wanna be crucified on a empty stomach.
I: The Crucifixion must have been terrible.
JC: It was awful; I gotta tellya. Unless you've gone through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was.and tiring. It was very, very tiring and embarrassing. I think, more than anything, it was embarrassing. Y'know right in front of everybody to be crucified. But I dont know, I guess it redeemed a lotta people.
I: Were you scared?
JC: Yeah. Near the end, I thought it was gonna rain. I was afraid I might get hit by lightnin'. But... all in all, I would say when I was here, I had a good time.
I: What do you think about Christianity?
JC: Well, I'm a little embarrassed by it. Uh, if I had to do it over again, I think I would start one of them Eastern religions like Buddha did. Now Buddha was smart. That's why he's laughin'.
I: You wouldn't want to be a Christian?
JC: No. I would never want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me! Buddha's laughin'. I'm on the cross!
I: I have a few more questions; do you mind?
JC: Hey, be my guest. How often do I get here?
I: Are there really angels?
JC: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago, we had millions of 'em. Today, ya can't get the young people to join. Y'know, it got too dangerous with radar and heat seeking missiles.
I: What about guardian angels?
JC: Well, we still have guardian angels, but now it's one angel for every six people. Years ago, everybody had his own angel.
I: Do you really answer prayers?
JC: No. First of all, most of 'em don't even get through. I mean, ya got sunspots; ya got radio interference. Years ago we answered them all... but years ago, there were less people... and people prayed for something simple then- to light a fire, to catch a yak; somethin' like that. But today, ya got people prayin' for hockey teams, people prayin' for longer fingernails. We just can't keep up with it.
I: Well, I think we're just about outta time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.
JC: Hey, no sweat.
I: Do you have any last thoughts or words of advice?
JC: What- You mean how to remove perspiration stains from a garment; somethin' like that?
I: No, I mean spiritual advice.
JC; Well, I don't know how spiritual it is, but I'd say one thing is don't give your money to the church. They should be givin' their money to you.
I: Well, thank you Jesus.and good night.
JC: Well, good night. Thanks for havin' me on here today. By the way, big bands are definitely not comin' back