Hello-Goodbye Songtext

von George Carlin

Hi, howdy, hello, how are ya, how do ya do, how ya doin, how's it goin, what's goin on, what's new, whatdya think, whatdya hear, whatdya say, whatdya feel, what's shakin, what's happenin, que pasa, what's goin down, what it is. Well we got all kinds of ways to say hello. We've got lots of ways to say hello. You know what my favorite is? "How's you hammer hangin?" That's a good one, isn't it? Doesn't work to well with women. Unless you're talking to a female carpenter, then it's all right. I"ve always wanted to say that one to a high church official. "Good evening, Your Holiness, how hangs the hammer?" So far, haven't had that opportunity.

Then there's one way to say hello that I really don't care for, one way I really don't like. You know some people will say to you, "are they keepin ya busy?" As if someone has the right to come up and give me odd jobs. They say "are they keepin ya busy?", I say, "Well, your wife is keeping me pretty busy, I'll tell ya that." And that seems to hold em for about a half hour. Then there's a lot of ways to say goodbye, we've figured out all kinds of ways to say goodbye, too. We say bye bye, so long, see ya later, take it easy, be cool, hang loose, stay in there, ya know what my favorit eis? "Don't get run over." Well, some people need practical advice. Some guys'll say to ya, "hey, have a good one", I say hey, I already have a good one. Now I'm lookin for a longer one. And that seems to hold em for about half an hour.

Then ya have all the foreign words to say goodbye. Some guys when they're leavin ya they think they gotta get tricky. And they'll whip an "arivederche" on ya. Or Avoir or Avwhiderzein or Adios. Or the American version of that one, "Adios, mothafucker!" OR Aloha. That's a nice one isn't it, aloha, they say that in Hawaii of course. It means hello and goodbye. Which just goes to show if you spend to much time in the sun, you don't know whether you're comin or goin.

Then have you noticed this, you get in a rut with the way you say goodbye. You ever find yourself using the same phrase over and over again with everybody, you feel a little stupid. LIke if your leavin a party, and you have to say goodbye to five people, you say "ok, hey take it wasy, ok hey take it easy, ok hey take it easy.", you feel like a goddamn moron, ya know. SO you know what I do? Every month I change the way I say goodbye. Whether I need to or not, every month I start usin a different phrase. People notice that. They appreciate that extra effort. They'll say to me, "Pardon me, didn't you used to say, 'Ok, hey take it easy'". I say, "yes I did. but not anymore." Now I say, "Farewell". Farewell, til we meet again, peace be with you, may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. That's a strong one isn't it? People will remember you if you talk like that. Then sometimes you can combine certain ways to say goodbye that don't really seem to go together, like, "Toodle-oo, go with God, and don't take any wooden nickles." Then people don't know what the fuck you're talking about! Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner. "So long Steve, don't let self-doubt interfere with plans to improve your life." Well, some people need practical advice.