Frozen Lullaby Songtext

von Garfunkel and Oates

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
'It's pretty simple actually,'
When a man doesn't love a women very very much
He signs away his paternal rights and jizzes in a cup
Then with lots of money and scientific genius,
Hormones, pain and of course, um. jesus?
The process begins the way God intended
With a transvaginal ultrasound
With a wand longer than a ukelele
When it comes out of my body it makes this sound

I give myself daily interdermal injections
An acute blood thinner and estrogen concurence
Require presevation through hormonal activation
And none of it is covered by insurance
Then I'm knocked out
And you're removed, and combined with a stranger's come
And as the same goes, you win some
You loose some (You dispose of the defective ones in a hazardous waistbin)
And then you're frozen until I'm certain it's time to unthaw you into a person
Then you'll expire or you'll make the grade
And that my darling, that's how babies are made
(It's so easy, and natural)
Hush little egg baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna freeze you until she gets rich

And when that day finally arrives
You'll be constructed in a petri dish
With sperm donar 8W6-3,
The silent partner of our family
So hush little egg baby don't be sad,
Just because I never fucked your dad

I know they're orphans everywhere
But I'm going to pretend that isn't real
Don't look at me like that, just because I admit it,
You had kids and you knew the deal
Yea, I feel guilty about overpopulation
And ruining the environment, for forever
But Osama Bin Ladin had twenty kids so, fuck you or whatever
Sadly procreation is not a meritoracy
And we need to prevent a real life bureaucracy
Though it may be the ultimate form of narcissm
It's also a way to reverse reverse Darwinism
I want all this stuff
I don't need to make a bucketlist
It doesn't make me greedy, it just makes me a feminist
Now I'm thinking back to all the guys I've dated,
If they heard this song they'd fucking hate it
(It's so easy and natural)
Hush little egg baby, don't you cry
You'll have the best genes mommy can buy
I don't want to wait until I get in dire straights (?)
My friends said I should go out on some dates
But these working bitches don't have time to leave it to the fates
(The world deserves more Rickey's and the world deserves more Kate's)
So hush little egg baby, dad's are overrated
He did what mattered when he masturbated

So hush little egg baby just hold firm
Mama's gonna buy you designer sperm
And if that sperm gives you random traits,
Mama's gonna test your DNA
And if your DNA isn't clear, mama's just gonna have to live in fear
And If that fear turns into guilt, mama's gonna hold onto what we built
And if I hold to tight I susuffocate, I'll buy you lots of things to overcompensate
And if that overcompensation's too transparent, I'll pretend it's somehow better with no male parent
And if you say, "But mom, whose my dad?"
I'll say, "I don't know, and it's just too bad."
And if that badness forms a hole in your heart, I'll want to make it up but won't know where to start
I'll probably start by saying "It's just you and me, and there's no such thing as a normal family."
So fuck being normal, lets do this shit,
Mama's gonna freeze you 'till she gets rich.