The World's Greatest Criminal Mind Songtext

von Vincent Price

Ratigan: (Laughs evilly) From the brain that brought you the Big Ben Caper
The head that made headlines in every newspaper
And wondrous things like the Tower Bridge Job
That cunning display that made Londoners sob
Now comes the real tour de force
Tricky and wicked, of course
My earlier crimes were fine for their times
But now that I'm at it again
An even grimmer plot has been simmering
In my great criminal brain
Thugs: Even meaner?
You mean it?
Worse than the widows and orphans you drowned?
You're the best of the worst around
Oh, Ratigan
Oh, Ratigan
The rest fall behind
To Ratigan
To Ratigan
The world's greatest criminal mind!
(Song temporarily pauses)
Ratigan: (Playing harp) Thank you, thank you... but it hasn't all been champagne and caviar. I've had my share of adversity thanks to that miserable, second-rate detective, Basil of Baker Street!
Thugs: (Various boos)

Ratigan: (Overly dramatic) For years, that insufferable pipsqueak has interfered with my plans! I haven't had a moment's peace of mind.
Thugs: (Various sympathetic awes)
Bartholomew: (Cries)
Ratigan: (Tone becomes hostile) But all that's in the past! This time, nothing, not even Basil can stand in my way! (Thugs bow to him) All will bow before me!
(Song resumes)
Thugs: Oh, Ratigan
Oh, Ratigan
You're tops and that's that
To Ratigan
To Ratigan
Bartholomew: (Clearly drunk) To Ratigan, the world's greatest rat! (Hiccups)
(Song temporarily stops)
Ratigan: (Spits out drink in shock)
Thugs: (Gasp)
Ratigan: What was THAT!?
Bartholomew: (Hiccups)
Ratigan: What did you call me?
Bartholomew: (Opens mouth to say something)
Thug #1: Oh, he didn't mean it, Professor!
Bill the Lizard: It was just a slip of the tongue!
Ratigan: (Angrily) I am NOT a rat!
Thug #2: 'Course you're not! You're a mouse!
Thug #1: Yeah, that's right; right, a mouse!
Bill the Lizard: Yeah, a big mouse!
Ratigan: SILENCE! (Throws Bartholomew outside; speaks in dramatic tone) Oh, my dear Bartholomew, I'm afraid that you've gone and upset me. (Tone becomes hostile; pulls bell out of pocket) You know what happens when someone upsets me... (Rings bell)
Thugs: (Cries of shock as death bell rings)
Felicia: (Steps into room; walks towards Bartholomew)
Bartholomew: (Unaware he's about to die; begins singing) Oh, Ratigan
Oh, Ratigan
You're the tops and that's that.
(Hiccups; speaking) Oh, dear
(Resumes singing) To Ratigan
To Ratigan
Thugs: (Cries of fear)
Bartholomew: (Has been grabbed by Felicia, but is still unaware) To Ratigan
The world's greatest... (gets eaten)
Felicia: (Meows)
Thugs: (Mourn fall of their friend)
Ratigan: (Lovingly) Oh, Felicia, my precious, my baby. Did Daddy's little honey-bunny enjoy her tasty treat?
Felicia: (Belches)
Ratigan: (Evil smile turns into frown; walks back inside) I trust there shall be no further interruptions. And now, as you were singing...?
(Song resumes)
Thugs: Even louder
Let's shout it!
No one can doubt what we know you can do
You're more evil than even you
Oh, Ratigan
Oh, Ratigan
You're one of a kind
To Ratigan
To Ratigan
The world's greatest criminal mind!