Christmas Dragnet Songtext

von Stan Freberg

[Joe]
[This is the season.My name is Wednesday, my partner is Frank Jones, the chief is Captain Kellogg.December the 24th, Christmas Eve, they brought in a guy named Grudge.When I heard what they booked him on, my blood ran cold.It was a 4096325-dash-096704: not believing in Santa Claus.4: 35 P.M. I was working the holiday watch out of Homicide with Frank.]

[Frank]
Hang up your stocking yet, Joe?

[Joe]
Yeah, just before I come down. You, too, Frank?

[Frank]
Always do. Hung it up early just in case I have to work late tonight. Wouldn't wanna miss out on when Santy Claus comes, you know.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm. Sure wouldn't. Would be a shame.

[Frank]
Whatcha gonna do tomorrow, Joe? Whatcha gonna do on Christmas? Ya got any plans?

[Joe]
Nothing much.

[Frank]
Why don't you come by the house, Joe? We're gonna have Christmas dinner. You know, all the trimmings.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm.

[Frank]
Turkey, celery, stuffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm.

[Frank]
All the trimmings. Cranberry sauce. Love to have ya.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm.

[Frank]
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot sticks.
You know, olives, pickles, scallions.
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.
Do you ever notice that, Joe?

[Joe]
Ever notice what, Frank?

[Frank]
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm. Scallions.

[Frank]
Anytime after two, Joe. Love to have ya.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see.

[Frank]
Love to have ya.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see.

[Frank]
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot sticks,
You know them little carrot sticks?

[Joe]
Mm-hmm.

[Frank]
Olives, pickles, scallions.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm. Let's not go through that again.

[Frank]
Love to have ya. Go through what again, Joe?

[Joe]
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.

[Frank]
Oh. You noticed that, too, huh, Joe?

[(telephone rings)]

[Joe]
Homicide, Wednesday.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[(hangs up)]

[Frank]
'S the matter, Joe? 'S the matter, Joe?

[Joe]
Bringing a guy in on a 409635-dash-096704.

[Frank]
You-you mean...

[Joe]
Yeah. Guy don't believe in scallions. I mean Santa Claus.

[6: 29 P.M. We questioned the guy who didn't believe in Santa Claus: a guy named Grudge.]

Says here your name's Grudge, that right?

[Grudge]
Yeah.

[Joe]
Said you didn't believe in Santa Claus?

[Frank]
It's hard to believe what you said. Did you really say that?

[Grudge]
Sure I said it. How do you know there's a Santy Claus?
Ya got a picture of him?

[Joe]
No, no mug shot.

[Grudge]
Any fingerprints?

[Joe]
Mnh-mnh, no latent prints. I just know, that's all.
I't's like saying there isn't an Easter Bunny.

[Grudge]
That's another guy there ain't no of!

[Joe]
Mm-hmm. Well, that's your story, mister.

[Frank]
Joe, he just said that to make me feel bad, didn't he?
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there? Joe?

[Joe]
Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you up three years ago on a 1492 for not believing in Columbus?

[Grudge]
Yeah! I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either.

[Joe]
How about Toledo?

[Grudge]
I, uh, I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo.

[Joe]
Okay, mister, I get the picture now.
You don't believe in nothin', do ya?

[Grudge]
Nothin'! And you wanna know somethin' else?

[Joe]
What's that?

[Grudge]
I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna walk right out of this room, 'cause you guys ain't got nothin' on me.
There ain't no law against not believin' in Santy Claus.

[Joe]
There is in my book.
Let me tell you somethin', mister, I'm gonna prove there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night.

[Grudge]
Huh! Pretty funny. The police department's got nothin' else to do.

[Joe]
Let me straighten you out, buddy. This one's on Frank and me.
Right, Frank? Right, Frank?

[Frank]
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?
You know, hippety-hoppin' down the bunny trail?

[Joe]
[I took Grudge over to the helicopter. Got in, flew around the city for hours.I showed him department stores.]

What's hurrying in and out of those department stores, Grudge?

[Grudge]
Happy people, but I ain't impressed.

[Joe]
[I showed him stockings.]

How are those stockings hung, Grudge?

[Grudge]
By the chimney with care. But I didn't hang none up.

[Joe]
[I showed him children nestled all snug in their beds.]

What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?

[Grudge]
Visions of sugarplums.
But you ain't sellin' me. There ain't no Santy Claus.

[Joe]
[He still didn't believe. There was only one thing left to do.My job? Get to the North Pole.11: 45 P.M. We arrived at the North Pole.I set the plane down, we walked over to Santy's workshop, rang the bell.]

[(bell plays "Dragnet" theme)]

[Joe]
Pardon me, sir, can I ask you a few questions?

[Brownie]
Why, sure. Just tickle me to death.

[Joe]
What do you do for a living?

[Brownie]
I'm a brownie.

[Joe]
What are you doing at the North Pole with a Southern accent?

[Brownie]
Well, the boss sorta ran short on help this year, so he had to recruit a few of us brownies from the South Pole.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm. That figures.

[Grudge]
Heh-heh! What a waste of time!

[Joe]
Could we talk to your boss, please?

[Brownie]
Oh, he's out. You would come on the one night he's out in the whole year.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm. What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie?

[Brownie]
My boss has eight tiny reindeer. My job? Feed 'em.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm, yes, sir. What do ya feed 'em?

[Brownie]
Well, most times I fix up a little plate of relish.
Olives, pickles and them carrot sticks.
You know them little ol' carrot sticks?

[Joe]
Mm-hmm.

[Brownie]
And scallions.

[Joe and Brownie]
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.

[Brownie]
How'd you know?

[Joe]
Just a stab in the dark.

[The little man showed us through the workshop.]

[Brownie]
My boss'll be back for a second load pretty soon.
Say, would you all like to hear an interestin' story?

[Joe]
Yes, sir.

[Brownie]
Well, you see that huge pile of presents over there?

[Joe]
Mm-hmm.

[Grudge]
Man, look at all that stuff!

[Brownie]
Would you believe it? They're all for the same man.
Been pilin' up here year after year.

[Joe]
Why didn't the guy ever get 'em?

[Grudge]
Yeah! Why?

[Brownie]
'Cause he didn't believe in my boss. You know the rules.

[Joe]
Mm-hmm. We know.

[Grudge]
I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that this, this guy can still --

[Brownie]
Get the presents? Oh, sure. He gets 'em all the minute he believes.
But I don't suppose he ever will.

[Joe]
Too bad about that guy. What's his name?

[Grudge]
Don't say it. I don't want to hear it.

[Joe]
Come on, Mr. Brownie. What's his name?

[Brownie]
His name? Grudge.

[Joe]
[The Brownie saw us to the door, wished us a merry Christmas.We were heading back to the plane when it happened.]

[Grudge]
Hey!

[Joe]
Yeah, Grudge?

[Grudge]
You know that guy I said I didn't believe in?

[Joe]
Who's that?

[Grudge]
S-S-Santy Claus?

[Joe]
Yes, sir?

[Grudge]
You think I'm too old to change my mind?

[Joe]
You're never too old, Mr. Grudge.

[Grudge]
Well then, I-I-I believe in Santy Claus. And Columbus.

[Joe]
How about Cleveland, Cincinnati, and the Easter Bunny?

[Grudge]
Yeah, them, too.

[Joe]
And Toledo?

[Grudge]
I-I still ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo!

[(sleigh bells)]

[Joe]
Look, Grudge, up in the sky. He's coming back for the second load.

[Grudge]
It's Santy Claus! It's Santy Claus!

[Joe]
There's the only guy I know can make everybody happy in one night.

[Grudge]
Yeah. He must have the biggest heart in the whole world.

[Joe]
That's about the size of it.