Juanita and the Kids Songtext

von Ray Stevens

I got a letter from the IRS
Inviting me to be their guest at an audit
They were conducting just for me

They said, "No need to worry, probably nothing wrong.
Just bring your wife and children along.
We just need to clear up a small technicality."

Now the only problem with an audit is
My wife Juanita and our fourteen kids
Friends, you cannot believe the refunds they have been worth

But it was years ago that I got this idea
And I bought Juanita in the mail from Korea
She's an inflatable doll, but she came with a certificate of birth!

I was a single guy without any deductions
So I claimed Juanita, and what a reduction!
I received with her as my spouse on the taxes I pay

That worked so well that every year after that
I recorded a birth when I paid my tax
Each kid certified by Cabbage Patch, USA

[Chorus]
Oh, Juanita [(Juanita)]
My inflatable señorita
The IRS wants to take you and the children away [(Away-yay-yay-yay)]
You and Jim and Tammy, Lonnie and Bert,
Farrah, Charo, Michael, and Kurt,
Jan and Dean, Erline, Louise, Barbara, and Little Ray [(Little Ray)]

So I dressed Juanita like the perfect mother
Velcroed the children to one another
And when we walked into that audit those people nearly flipped their lids! Heh heh heh!

I said, "Juanita might lay around and never cook
And the children don't clean their rooms and never crack a book
But hey, they ain't much different from my brother's wife and kids! Uh huh!

"And I got Social Security cards here for every one
My wife, my daughters, and all of my sons
All officially issued by the government of the USA

"So before you call [me] down to muster
Somebody here better think twice, buster!
Do you really wanna be the one to accuse the government of making a big mistake? Huh?"

[Chorus]
Oh, Juanita [(Juanita)]
My sioto señorita
The IRS wants to take you and the children away [(Away-yay-yay-yay)]
You and Jim and Tammy, Lonnie and Bert,
Farrah, Charo, Michael, and Kurt,
Jan and Dean, Erline, Louise, Barbara, and Little Ray [(Little Ray)]

That agent sat there, his mouth agape
Thinking over that government mistake
And how his civil service career could be at its end

And then he reached for a stamp that read, "Approved"
And said, "Hope the kids do better next year in school!
And why don't you and the Missus drop by and say hello now and then! Heh heh heh!"

[Chorus]
Oh, Juanita [(Juanita)] He he he!
My inflatable señorita
Looks like you and the kids all get to stay [(Stay-yay-yay-yay)] He he he!

(Spoken)
What's that, honey? You say you need to get home quick?
You say you started to feel a little sick?
And you think you might once again be in a family way?
Ha ha ha ha!
What's that? You think it might be triplets this time?
Ho ho ho ho, Juanita, you are a [wonder]
Ha ha ha!
Do what? Why, of course we can support your mother!
Heh heh heh!
I even think her moving expenses are deductible!
He he he!
Does she still live in Bangkok?