Number One Songtext

von Loudon Wainwright

Of all the chicks and broads and babes and bimbos I have known
No one does it better than you do on the phone
Midway through my busy day, all through my empty night
I dial your 900 number and it feels oh so right
When I'm feeling lonely and bottled up inside
I know I can always take that magic carpet ride
I get down on my bearskin rug on my loving room floor
I get you on the telephone and you give me what for

[Chorus]
When it comes to loving on the phone you are the best
Local or long distance, you're better than the rest
And when it is all over, when it's been said and done
Of all the numbers out there, your number's number one

I used to go to pick up bars when I felt all alone
Now I just have a few drinks and pick up my telephone
I like my loving private, this is not a party line
I don't have call waiting 'cause I'm busy all the time
I don't know what you look like and I don't know how you smell
But the way you talk to me no human tongue could tell
There are so many digits, yours are the ones I pick
'Cause the way you talk to me no human tongue can lick

[Chorus]

The things that you say to me, well, I can't sing them here
Let's just say it's worth it, that phone call's not to dear
And I know you don't love me, but hey I don't love you
I just love those things you say and what you tell me to do
'Cause loving's never easy and love can be a chore
And these days love is dangerous, I need not say more
Some folks say it's kinky and some say it's obscene
But thank you Alexander Graham Bell for your loving machine!