Crime News Songtext

von John Mulaney

I've always been too interested in crime news and stuff like that, like cold case files, and that kind of thing.
I love reading crime news in general, I like, uh, the local paper in a city because they have good crime coverage and it's funny to me when the local paper will try and make someone sound prettier after they're murdered, like you'll walk by the newstand, and then you'll see the headline, like, "
BEAUTY SLAIN" .
And then you look at the photo and you're like, "
Mmmmmmm...
How about '
BODY FOUND'?" My new favorite term in crime reporting is someone is "person of interest".
That means that someone is like an unofficial suspect in a case, which I think is a pretty good term, but to me person of interest almost sounds too flattering.
Like, if I was in my apartment and the police pounded on the door and they were like, "
A man was murdered in your lobby last night, and you are a person of interest!", I would be like, "
Moi?
Oh, do go on.
French."